Remembering a memory

Having a non-existent image inside your brain that is so clear it could be mistaken for real HD life baffles me. But one of the strangest thing about memories is how the same person can have different perceptions of one memory.
Recently I looked back at a photo of my sister and I in a zoo about ten years ago. The photo was emotive, i could see clearly the pain and sadness we were going through. And although I was not a petite child i could see how fragile myself and my big sister looked. My big tough sister who at that age i rarely saw cry. The girl who acted up but defended me fiercely. Never had I thought of her as helpless but there was a shade of vulnerbaility in that photo.
We were standing self consciously; so close together. I was dressed headed to toe in various shades of light blue (my dad probably helped coordinate that outfit!) with a smile that only a child could muster.
Previous to seeing the picture I did not think of that period as particularly sad time of my life. But looking at that picture changes my perfeption of that time. I realise there were more emotions than I could not handle at that age. So i broke the emotions down whichever emotion I felt in the moment. Breaking apart emotions and dissociating feelings made life simpler. Amongst the zebras with my sister I was content.

What shocked me most about this picture was not the unsurfaced bubbling sadness; but realising how much I have changed from the small, unsure girl who wore too much blue and wore her cap too far forward.


The way that work controls us

We spend our health working for money. We then spend our money to claim back our health.

A large part of me questions the reason why people stay in a ‘dead end’ job they hate for years on end. I have met only a couple of people who are genuinely happy with what they do.
So why keep inflicting yourself a job you despise?
I ponder these thoughts as i return home at 10.30pm via a grubby tube.
Is the money worth it?
Money seems to control so much of our lives we enslave ourselves to hours, days, months and eventually years of work.
We are slaves to money.
Money controls how we spend our days (working), where we live, what we can afford to do in our free time and even to some extent the company we keep.
So what does money give us that we seek it so hungrily? Food, shelter, warmth and stability.
But what does it take away? Health, time, youth? happiness?
For me this balance is tipped overtly towards happiness.

‘The best things in life are free’ i hear you say. And what about ‘Money can’t buy you happiness.’
Then why do we as people pursue money so intently.
Obligations to our dear ones and being a responsible adults are explanations.
But we also have an obligation to ourselves and our loved ones to be healthy and happy and to them teach these principles.

The sea of life


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I studied at university for the past four years, graduated this Summer and entered into the vocation I had been training for at a renowned institution.
This was, without doubt, an exciting moment.

I moved into accommodation closer to work that was worse than university halls; and this is kindly put. But at least the view was good.

On starting the job I realised quickly that what university had taught me both inside and outside lecture theatres had not prepared me for the fierce world of work. Although I received positive feedback I often felt I was swimming amongst sharks and out of my depth.

As lucky and appreciative as I am to have a job, I still have many years of grafting until I can pay off my tsunami of student loan but continuing with lack lustre job would be signing my soul away.

When I opted for this profession at the age of 17 it was because I felt my choices were few. I was unsure what I wanted from life, except for money and success. I was eager to go to university, make the most of life and then go on to a job and earn lots of money. Although I knew that this vocation was not suited to me it was a route to success. In my younger opinion those who achieved success and wealth were the lucky ones.

Now my priorities are different, the lucky ones are those who are able to do what they love everyday.

My current dilemma remains the same as five years ago causing my initial mistake of rushing to university. I need to find my true dream and then I can run with it. Or at least enjoy the swim to discovering my dream.

Can you guess?


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An insight to your soul
An outlet of expression
The freedom to expression portrayal of a character
The basis of first impressions
We are bombarded and surrounded by its powerful imagery as we line the cobbled streets.
Some rebel against the crowd
Others are enticed by its ethereal perfection.
Like a beautiful animal it adapts to mood, to daylight and to weather.
It evolves over decades
It varies between cultures.
But re-worn by another and it ever looks the same.
The only thing that does remains constant is that it is unique and individual.
Like a fingerprint all humans possess one but two will never be the same.